Than I started thinking that I will tell about some events in my life as a journalist. I understood that it wouldn’t be any interesting neither for me, nor for everybody else. But as you see I don’t have any kind of events reported here.

When I started my first real post, without realizing it, I started to speak not that much about event, than my attitude and my thoughts about it. So I liked this idea. Even though it is not something new, at least it was something I would like to share.

At the end of this “road” I can tell, that I am not sure I will go on with the blog for long, because I am still convinced, that a gain is to tell something new, but maybe after sometime, I’ll be a military journalist, and i’ll surely start a blog than, because it will be absolutely something to write about.

I still appreciate the course and the experience I got, because my attitude to blogs has surely changed.

I try to remember what was the environment like in the “ex” job… Very boring place. I sit at a very slow computer, i do nothing, because noone even bothers cheking my capabilities, and just assumes, that i can’t be trusted. Six people arround are concentrared at their screens, no words, just constant “click-click!!”.

Chief editor explains: “That’s because we are working here… we are serious people!”
So don’t people, who do serious job smile, or joke? Can’t they just chat for ten minutes, in order to relax at least?? I agree, that if you always laugh, there’s a pretty big chance, that you’re an idiot, but if you don’t, won’t you look like a stone?

So I read biographies of some writers and found out that they never studied in Literature universities, although such thing existed. What I found was that they learned for three basically professions – teacher, linguist, or journalist.

Out if this professions I immediately eliminated teaching, there is no chance I would be a teacher, not with my type of character. Than I someway decided to be a journalist, because it was closer to writing.

Well now actually I am not that sure that I am a genius writer, the only writing I do is here in the blog, and being a journalist is not just a way to becoming a “writer of millennium…”.

So my new plan is a little more complicated. Through journalism I am trying to find out something new, which I would like to people about in more detail than an journalist article can. Until then it is useless to write and try to tell people something they already now.

A lot of journalists here in kazakhstan do so. Just look what everybody else dpo, and just copy that work. Ofcourse, teachers, and trainers from my cources say “that is wrong, that is immoral, and people who do that are just lazy, that is all… “

But on the other hand, the most important news are the same, and it would be crazy if every representative of each media would ask the same source to comment some event. If i were that guy, i would probably get crazy and… well nothing legal would happen after that.

Nothing legal would also happen after i found out that somebody copied my job… And if readers would find out, that a journalist is just copying other people, he would not ever read that guy’s artickles again.

So what is fair? I guess one day i’ll justget ok with the fact that the process is “wrong, that is immoral, and people who do that are just lazy, that is all..”

I guess that second type of people have their point. First of all, that is what actually happens. This whole new type of war – media war, when newspapers and channels make some people “the main villain of mankind”, is the best example. People believe press and don’t bother thinking themselves.

But what would happen if people would get information without any analysis? Would they start thinking? And I wonder why don’t they think now? Don’t they feel like they can be fooled? It is like doing shopping, and giving all your money to some stranger, in order to let him decide what to buy for you and how to pay for it.

But another thing bothering me is that if I become a journalist, I’ll have to be somehow responsible for what people are thinking. And that makes me feel even worse, when I think that I will not write what I think, but what I am wanted to think. So that is the point  when I go back to first group and say – in this situation say nothing instead of what others want you to say.  

But yesterday I have been looking through couple of blogs that belong to some kind of ordinary people, and found out that they actually type in their diary there. They write some personal stuff there, and I catch myself thinking that I would never let somebody read such things about me. But as I read, I see a lot of comments on such posts, and I get curious, why do people like such posts?

They are not interesting, nothing super-amazing happens, but people read it a lot. Moreover, I went through some of the comments, and it appears, that people give a lot of advice there. Every little situation, like : ”My son got ill  today”, gets a lot of comments: “Made he’s just tired, he studies too much as far as I read here…” or “Don’t worry, that’s just cold”, or “ You’d better see the doctor, you never know, what it can be…” And so on…

Well after reading that I got strange impression. Like do those people think that this mom didn’t get very same thoughts? Or why do people care about such problems? Or Why on earth would I ever decide to read such posts, telling me of every-day life, which I am living myself, and am fed-up with it?

That sure is a secret for me…   

I always thought that the main thrust of the work of a journalist is to transmit information, be honest and fair to assess it from their perspective. Unfortunately, I now realize that in Kazakhstan, it is practically impossible.

The more I learn about different media, the more I see that we are very well controlled. In addition it turns out; every more or less popular and well known media in Kazakhstan informally belongs to one person. Impartiality in this case is impossible.

Unfortunately, innovation in journalism in Kazakhstan is taking place with difficulty too. In many cases, the editor would be happy to try something new, but authorities would not allow that.

Probably that is why online journalism is more attractive for those who want to work freely, to speak what they think and work as an artist. Internet is much less controlled; it allows expressing opinion, and not being afraid of any consequences.

But on the other hand if I’m not going to pursue my gain, I feel that I lose something important in my life. I loose the opportunity to understand, and I’ll have to live a life without this understanding. I know, I feel that the meaning is somewhere near, but there is only one way for me to understand this point – to see. And then to realize all and I hope to try to tell others. Perhaps this is the goal of a journalist – to understand and explain to others.

Someone said that you can not understand the meaning of life without seeing death. Maybe I want to understand life. In fact, when I see military personnel, reading books and memoirs, I feel that having seen the war, the author became aware that something new for him. E. Remarque was a war reporter during the Second World War. Since then he has written several books about the life of German soldiers. These books are the wisest knowledge, ever received by me.

On the other hand, I understand that going to places of military clashes, I risk my life.  I am not afraid of that yet, probably because I did not see death, I’m not afraid. But I am afraid of the responsibility, which is already is on my life. I have family, friends, people depend on me, those who love me, and my death would break their hart. This is of course a bad thing.

Every day this week I come home and see my empty table… and just last week my laptop was there… I miss it so much!!!!

I am not addicted though, but… in the University every assignment is via internet, my friends abroad communicate with me through skype…  So I feel like I lost so much by this several days.

On the other hand I feel like I have a sort of a vacation…  Every day I used to go online and chat for hours, and surprisingly I feel kind of free now!!!

Well, anyway my studying is suffering now, so I hope my comp is back soon!!!

There is this term that my new colleagues use – “to feel the news”. I don’t really know where this feeling come does from. At least I don’t have it yet.

Well, I guess, knowing every detail of what is going on around could help. If I knew some pre-stories, I would know that one event in this situation is important, and another is not. Well, I wonder than, how is it possible to know every detail? Things happen, they always do, and there are so many things to keep track of, that I doubt I could know all of them.

One more thing that helps is being professional in one exact sphere. My teacher from courses of journalism, that I take, told us once, that it is useless to get your higher education to become a journalist with a diploma. He said, it is better to get some other education in some sphere, that would help to “feel the news” in this sphere. “You don’t need a diploma to become a journalist”.

But can it be something you just feel with no background? Like taste or smell? Can it be inborn? Well for me every person has some talents that are useful in their profession. I know that journalism is my profession, I just feel for it.  Maybe one day I will start “feeling it”.